one might say we're banned from that church
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
