guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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