Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
