Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
