Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
