So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
