her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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