went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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