It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
