I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
