yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize