Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
