i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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