you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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