Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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