I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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