i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
