I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it's like iHOP with fire
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
dude. I can hear the air.
try to milk me bitch
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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