You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every concussion has its silver lining
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
