I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
