Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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