got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
