Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
