Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
