WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
