i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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