I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
