The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
