She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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