Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
