Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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