the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
