i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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