Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
