i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize