I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
