I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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