I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
