Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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