Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
