Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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