I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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