I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
