Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Your dad touched me again.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
