the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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