I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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