I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
