I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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