I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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