I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
