Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
