SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
