Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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