I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
