Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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