Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
