I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
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wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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