Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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