No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I didn't notice because vodka
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
